A perfect set of minutes for meetings

Minutes of meetings can be fun.

The following is the minutes of the planning meeting for one of the annual Burns Suppers of the Hartley Wintney Twinning Association Creatively written by Dave Skellern. These could be seen as a perfect set of minutes for meetings.

Minutes from the sub-committee meeting

One night we all went round to Glynis's

To discuss the great Burns Night do

There was Tony, Mike, Fiona and me

And of course there was Glynis too.

Glynis had got an agenda

A definitive list of jobs

The setting up and the putting away

And numerous bits and bobs.

'There are loads of tasks' said Glynis

In fact there are heaps and heaps

Buying the wine, cooking the meal

Not forgetting the tatties and neaps.

But before we got down to business

Glynis offered us all a drink

Two bottles of Becks and some Sauvignon blanc

She said it would help us to think.

So to item one on the agenda

I said 'Glynis, you action me

To ask Sarah to tell Gladys that at 2 o'clock

We will need the WI key'.


At 2:30 we'll put out the tables

We'll need chairs for eighty odd peeps

There'll be tots of whisky and serviettes

Not forgetting the tatties and neaps.


We were struggling down the agenda

So Glynis got us all a drink

Two bottles of Becks and some Sauvignon blanc

She said it would help us to think.

We checked out our stock of wine bottles

Twenty red and twenty-four white

We'll have to allow at least two bottles each

If we don't they will just start a fight.


Glynis showed us the souvenir programme

The punters can have them for keeps

We'll need dozens of knives, forks and spoons

Not forgetting the tatties and neaps.


The agenda was getting confusing

So Glynis provided more drink

Two bottles of Becks and more Sauvignon plonk

She found lying around in the sink.

Now Gerda will help with the haggis

They'll need to be plucked once they're shot

She will cook them for twenty four hours

And then serve them up in a pot.


Now let's not forget all the puddings

Including the Edinburgh Mist

I said we'll just give them cheap cheesecake

They'll not notice, by then they'll be pissed.


I'll ask Sarah to make us a pudding

Said Glynis, 'I'll give her a call'.

I said 'So you might as well ask her

About getting the key for the hall!'


'So where does that leave us?' asked Glynis

'It must be time for some more drink.

Two tequilas, a Baileys and one double scotch

'If you want to throw up use the sink'.


So we focussed our minds on the meeting

And Glynis turned over the page

'At last' she cried, 'it's the tatties and neaps'.

Good Lord, it had taken an age!

Last year we ran out of tatties and neaps

And people went off in a huff

If they're going to enjoy a really good meal

We have to make sure there's enough.

I suggested ten kilos of tatties

Was what I could sensibly do

Tony raised my ten by ten kilos more

An offer which Tessa would rue.


Then Fiona joined in on the bidding

And said 'I can raise you ten more'

Now Mike knew he was in with professionals

And his jaw nearly dropped to the floor.


So Mike fell on his trusty veg peeler

And agreed to produce two score

Of mashed up and buttered King Edwards

That would surely fill those wanting more.


Now we all had a drink just to calm us

As the main event came to the brink.

Two brandies, four Cointreaus and one double scotch

Just imagine the queue for the sink.

Well that only left one more action

The production of mountains of neaps

At one point it seemed like so many that

We'd have to transport them in Jeeps.

'Well I boiled up ten pounds of neaps last year'

Said Mike 'There's still streaks on the wall.

There are orange streaks all down the kitchen,

The dining room, lounge and the hall.'

So we all made a pledge to assist in

The production of masses of swede

But when added up we were still far short

Of the seventy kilos we'd need.


So others there were who filled in the breach

To cook up more tatties and neaps

And that's why there's many more left to be ate


So why the heck are there none left to eat?

With some more of the entrails of sheeps.

So that brings us to any more business

And that's where I call on you peeps

I want you to all raise your glasses

To the cookers of tatties and neaps.

To us these are a perfect set of minutes for meetings, witty fun but everything required has been covered - albeit with some poetic license.

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